The Grief Journey

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be on this journey, the grief journey. 

Oh sure you know as you get older loved ones will pass away but you never fully comprehend it. Let me explain.

I was in my early twenties when I first experienced death. It was my great grandmother and while I loved her dearly I don’t think I ever fully grieved. I was young and there was still so much of my life left to live. Then a few years later my great grandfather died and again I was still young and life went on.

 A heart attack took my grandmother way too soon for my liking.  I was 33 when she went to heaven and I remember it like it was yesterday. All I can say is I was shattered.  Shattered like I had to pull over into a nearby McDonalds parking lot and cry. The next thing I remember is my boss knocking on my car window. And death paid me another visit. This time it was seven years later and it was my husband who lost his grandmother.

Fast forward all those years to November 2, 2015. The man I thought who would live forever, one of the greatest men I have ever known in my life past away.  My sweet daddy went to heaven.

When I tell you am devastated, I mean devastated, destroyed, crushed, and everything in between. There are no words for the grief journey I am on. One minute I’m fine and life is going along just as it should and then BAM I’m in a full on ugly cry.  Oh and let me tell you, I have had a few moments deep in the ugly cry where I said a few strong words to God about him taking my father and so on.

It is in those moments when I am screaming at God that I realize I am the most comforted. I knew I had faith in the Lord but I never knew just how deep that was faith until this. God has carried me. He has loved me, held me, and cherished me. He has let me say things to him that I would never say under normal circumstances. He knew that I would never be able to withstand the constant griping pain in my heart so he has let it come to me when he knew he would be able to ease my grief.  He knew I would need him to see me through this time in my life and he has never once left my side. He has let me know each day in some small way he is right there for me to sit in his lap and just be. I am so thankful we serve a gracious God. 

So to my sweet sweet daddy, I love you and I miss you dearly.  I take comfort in knowing you are with your parents and sister again. And I look forward to the day I can wrap my arms around you and hug you forever.