Three Long Weeks

This past week I've found myself picking up the phone to call my dad. Twice I have actually hit the button on my phone with his name only to very quickly hit end call. 

My dad and I never went longer than three days with out talking. These past three weeks have been challenging. 

Just today when I was leaving work I grabbed my phone to call him and tell him I'm BACATION. It's supposed to be vacation but when my brother was little he used to say bacation and it's just stuck. Every time one of us was on vacation we would call the other and as soon as they answered the phone let them know we were on BACATION!

And now high school baseball season is almost here and several things have happened this past week that my dad would have thought funny or interesting. 

It's just been difficult. I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was standing in the hospital hallway. 

There are good days where I only get choked up thinking about him and then there are the other days, the ugly days, for now I'll just leave it at that. 

I read an article yesterday where an adult lost one of her parents and as time went on she realized she no longer cried with sadness but cried with happiness because the love that flowed from her parent was so great and so strong you couldn't help but feel happy. I want to feel this way. I don't want my dad's passing to be sorrowful. I want it to be just like that. That his love for me was so strong that I felt it each and every time I was with him. 

I know I will get there. I know this is a process. I know God is still carrying me through the days. I know he only lets those ugly days come when he can hold me and whisper to my soul that I am going to be OK. But right now, I just want my daddy.