Just Not Feeling It

Well where do I start this post? Sure there is a lot of stuff running around in my head but it doesn't amount to much to write out here on this blog. 

I'm just not feeling it. I'm feeling more like the Grinch this year with a heart that is two sizes to small. Oh not being greedy or stingy, I'm just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. 

I've put the tree up and decorated the mantel. I've put the wreath on the front door too. I've purchased gifts galore and wrapped till I almost ran out of wrapping paper. 

I've celebrated at church with our annual Christmas musical. I've watched my boys be shepherds and kings. I've decorated the church gym for the annual Taste of Christmas feast after the musical performance. I have served and cleaned up till I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion. 

Oh and we've baseballed and basketballed in there too. And those of you that know me know where my happy place is...sitting right behind home plate watching the sport that I loved being played by the boys that I love.

 I'm doing what I call "faking it, till I make it". I've dressed the part and put on a smile on my face and laugh in my voice, but I don't feel it. It all feels fake and superficial to me.  

But I know why I feel this way. I miss my dad. 

No amount of Christmas cheer, music, food, basketball, and baseball is going to make me feel better at this moment. 

I know all of these feelings are very normal. I know that when the deep sadness hits that I'm supposed to sit in and let it out. I also know not to stay in that sadness and pull up my boot straps and move on. 

But right now, I just want my dad.