I love being a mother. It's
one of the greatest things I've done in my life. Sure there are plenty of days
where I feel like I have failed at my motherhood gig but it's the other days
that out weigh that feeling and give me such a sense of pride.
Isn't that what Mother's Day
is about? When you look at your children and revel in their accomplishments.
You feel that your heart is about to explode because you are just filled with
so much love for them. And what about that moment when you realize you've helped
them achieve something so great. It's those moments in life and your breath
hitches and you just smile a grin that reaches from ear to ear. Yes, that's
what it's all about, for me anyway.
But what do you do when you
and your mother are no longer together, broken up and Mother’s Day no longer
means the same thing for you as an adult as it did when you were a kid.
I read an article the other
day about a woman who said her mother was more of an acquaintance to her since
she made the decision to no longer have a substantial relationship with
her. I had a similar relationship with
my mother only I chose to end the relationship with her completely. I haven’t
spoken to or seen her in over 14 years.
My parents divorced when I
was 18 years old and my brother was 14 years old. When I was younger my mom was
great. She did all the wonderful things that parents do, go on field trips, put
little note cards in my lunch, volunteer at school and a host of other little things. But something changed in
her after she and my dad divorced. I have always referred to it as the time my
mom went off the deep end. She became a bitter woman. She was spiteful,
hateful, angry, controlling, and down right vindictive.
She left my brother and I
shortly before I turned 19. I came home from college one day and she was packing.
She informed me that she was moving with her boyfriend to Louisiana and my brother
and I were not going with her. I ended
up taking care of my brother who was by now 15 for a few months until I was no
longer able to do so.
It was a few years after my
mother moved that I was finally able to finally reach out to her. I was quickly
reminded that she was no longer the mother that I remembered from my
childhood. My grandmother had always
wanted us to try and repair our relationship and because I loved my grandmother dearly, I tried. It was extremely difficult and my husband saw what a toll it took
on me each time I spoke with her.
Several years later my
grandmother passed away and mother called my house and left me a message on the
answering machine. A very brief and very cold message. It was at the point I made a conscious
decision to cut all ties with this woman I no longer knew. Oh trust me I
agonized over my choice for months before I finally broken down and wrote a
letter to her. Somewhere along the way when I became a mother myself I realized
this was not a healthy relationship for me or my family. I did not want my son
to be exposed to her actions. But once I finally made the decision to “break
up” with her I never looked back.
I wrote her one last letter
letting her know of my decision and what had lead me to make that choice. As
soon as I placed that letter in mail box I felt as if a 4,000 pound weight had
been lifted off of me. About a week later I received a reply from her. I read
it and then threw it away. Her words no longer hurt me they way that had in
past. My decision had freed me.
But for some reason once a
year as Mother’s Day approaches my mind wanders back to my childhood and the
mother I had then. I’m not sad of over my choice and don’t regret it, I made
peace with it years ago.
But as I reflect back I can’t
help but look forward too. And I
am reminded of the mother I want to be. A mother who is kind and
gracious. A mother who is there for the good times and the bad. A mother who
will lift up her children when needed. A mother who is supportive and offers guidance. A
mother who’s children knows that she has their back. A mother who is her
children's biggest fan. A mother who wraps them in the tightest hug if only for
second and tells them everyday how much they are loved. A mother who snuggles
most every time her children ask. But most of all a mother who loves
unconditionally and without end.
