When You've Broken Up With Your Mother And It's Mother's Day

I love being a mother. It's one of the greatest things I've done in my life. Sure there are plenty of days where I feel like I have failed at my motherhood gig but it's the other days that out weigh that feeling and give me such a sense of pride. 

Isn't that what Mother's Day is about? When you look at your children and revel in their accomplishments. You feel that your heart is about to explode because you are just filled with so much love for them. And what about that moment when you realize you've helped them achieve something so great. It's those moments in life and your breath hitches and you just smile a grin that reaches from ear to ear. Yes, that's what it's all about, for me anyway.

But what do you do when you and your mother are no longer together, broken up and Mother’s Day no longer means the same thing for you as an adult as it did when you were a kid.

I read an article the other day about a woman who said her mother was more of an acquaintance to her since she made the decision to no longer have a substantial relationship with her.  I had a similar relationship with my mother only I chose to end the relationship with her completely. I haven’t spoken to or seen her in over 14 years.

My parents divorced when I was 18 years old and my brother was 14 years old. When I was younger my mom was great. She did all the wonderful things that parents do, go on field trips, put little note cards in my lunch, volunteer at school and a host of other little things. But something changed in her after she and my dad divorced. I have always referred to it as the time my mom went off the deep end. She became a bitter woman. She was spiteful, hateful, angry, controlling, and down right vindictive.

She left my brother and I shortly before I turned 19. I came home from college one day and she was packing. She informed me that she was moving with her boyfriend to Louisiana and my brother and I were not going with her.  I ended up taking care of my brother who was by now 15 for a few months until I was no longer able to do so.

It was a few years after my mother moved that I was finally able to finally reach out to her. I was quickly reminded that she was no longer the mother that I remembered from my childhood.  My grandmother had always wanted us to try and repair our relationship and because I loved my grandmother dearly, I tried. It was extremely difficult and my husband saw what a toll it took on me each time I spoke with her.

Several years later my grandmother passed away and mother called my house and left me a message on the answering machine. A very brief and very cold message.  It was at the point I made a conscious decision to cut all ties with this woman I no longer knew. Oh trust me I agonized over my choice for months before I finally broken down and wrote a letter to her. Somewhere along the way when I became a mother myself I realized this was not a healthy relationship for me or my family. I did not want my son to be exposed to her actions. But once I finally made the decision to “break up” with her I never looked back.

I wrote her one last letter letting her know of my decision and what had lead me to make that choice. As soon as I placed that letter in mail box I felt as if a 4,000 pound weight had been lifted off of me. About a week later I received a reply from her. I read it and then threw it away. Her words no longer hurt me they way that had in past. My decision had freed me.

But for some reason once a year as Mother’s Day approaches my mind wanders back to my childhood and the mother I had then. I’m not sad of over my choice and don’t regret it, I made peace with it years ago. 

But as I reflect back I can’t help but look forward too. And I am reminded of the mother I want to be. A mother who is kind and gracious. A mother who is there for the good times and the bad. A mother who will lift up her children when needed. A mother who is supportive and offers guidance. A mother who’s children knows that she has their back. A mother who is her children's biggest fan. A mother who wraps them in the tightest hug if only for second and tells them everyday how much they are loved. A mother who snuggles most every time her children ask. But most of all a mother who loves unconditionally and without end.