It's Just To Hard

It's 10:50pm on Thursday night and I'm sitting in my nephews room because Hurricane Harvey flooded out home and we are staying with my sister in law temporarily while we wait on our insurance money to come in so we can move forward from this horrendous nightmare.  

I'm sitting here reflecting on the day. R2 had is first junior high pep rally and football game. He did great and his team won their game. 

But it's what happened between the time the pep rally was over and when his game started that I thinking about over and over. 

After the pep rally R1 and I ran by our house to check the mail. Yes the mail is still delivering out there and since we technically own the home our mail is still being sent there. Usually Hubs stops by on his way out and checks it but today he asked me too. 

So as R1 and I round the corner there is a truck sitting in my driveway with two people in it. I stop to let them and they motion me by. I point and then pretty much screamed at them, THAT'S MY HOUSE SO GET OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY! The windows in my car were up in the car so they couldn't hear me but R1 did and he knew I was mad. The truck pulled out and I pulled in. I got out of the car still yelling and screaming at them. But what I saw next did such and emotional number on me I don't think i will ever be able to go back there. 

Once again my baby's clothing was thrown all over the place, this time they were in the road. When the trash trucks made their first pass and hauled off the majority of the stuff, they dropped the rubbermaid full of their nasty baby clothes keepsake items. They were thrown all over my yard. I cried for hours as I took the time to pick them up and thrown them away for the second time.

Apparently two times was not enough because the truck that was making a second pass they ripped open the bag and again all of my baby's keepsake items were now tossed about in the street. That was more than I could bare. I started to cry and then got back in the car. I told R1 it was time to go and I just couldn't be there anymore. 

We left and headed back up to the school to watch R2 play his first junior high football game. When we got back to the school I told Hubs I can't go back to that house. It's to hard. 

It's to hard to see their baby keepsake items in the street. It's to hard to see the first house we purchased all those years ago just a shell. It's to hard to think about the life we had there and how desperately I just want to go home. It's just to hard to think about all that we have lost. It's just to hard. 

I keep thinking about the this was the house that we purchased to raise our family in. the house we brought our baby's home to. The house that helped shape our marriage and family into what it is. The house that built us. 

It's just to hard to think about all of it. It's almost like the mourning the death of a loved one but it just keeps coming back to haunt you. 

I don't think I will be able to go back to that house, at least not until we sell it and we need to get the little bit of stuff out of the attic that is still there. 

The loss is just to great and the emotional toll it takes on me, well I can't even begin to describe it.  

It's just to hard.